ONE LUMP OR TWO?

“I think I’ve found another lump, but I’ve been searching for so long now that I’ve made myself sore. Now I’m not sure if I was imagining it in the first place.”

Ever since Sam passed the one year anniversary of her initial diagnosis she’s become more and more conscious of searching for lumps in her right breast. I think it comes down to not trusting her body anymore (especially her remaining breast). I know that deep down she wishes that she had a double mastectomy instead of just the single one.

I had a feel to see if I could find anything, but to be honest I wasn’t too sure what I was looking for. I was so hoodwinked by the original lump last year that I wouldn’t trust myself to make a right or wrong judgement this time around. I did notice a tiny pea shape lump that seemed to float in and out of the area that I was searching, but that could have just been what they call “a thickening”. After all, Sam has been told by many consultants and doctors that her breasts are quite “glandy” (which is nice ).

“I think I felt something, but I’m not sure. We’ll call the hospital tomorrow and get you in for a check just to be sure”

Monday came and I got home from work.

“Did you call the hospital today? “

“No, sorry, didn’t get a chance. I can’t feel anything anymore. I just reckon my mind was playing tricks on me.”

“That’s ok, call them tomorrow anyway because there’s no harm in getting it checked. That’s what they’re there for”

“Ok, I will”

Tuesday came and went, as did the next Tuesday and the next. Easter then came, along with the kids holiday from school.

“Did you call them today?”

“I haven’t had a chance, especially with the kids being off for Easter. I don’t particularly want to make the phone call in front of Maddy and Harry because I don’t want to alarm them. I did try and call the hospital yesterday but got the answer phone and I didn’t fancy leaving a message. Besides, it’ll be a waste of time because there’s nothing there to check. I’ll call them next week”

The following week arrived and it was still in the back of my mind that the phone call hadn’t been made. The kids were all back at school today so only Charlie would be at home. As I went to leave for work I mentioned the phone call to Sam but this time her defence mechanism kicked in and she snapped at me.

“Don’t keep pressuring me to do it or I won’t bother at all!!”

“Ok, I won’t mention it again but it’s too important to ignore. I mean, It’s not like it’s a toothache that you’re getting checked is it.”

I could tell that deep down she was concerned, but I knew that she was in ostrich mode and had buried her head deep in the sand hoping that it would just all go away. I left for work hoping that the toothache comment would be enough to plant the seed of concern in her mind. Around midday my phone went off with a text message alert.

“I’ve called the hospital and got an appointment for tomorrow at 3:15pm to see the breast consultant”

Seed successfully planted.

As we sat in the corridor at the hospital I kept getting the “This is your fault” look from Sam. Once again I was the nervous one and she was the calm one.

“Samantha Lester?”

We walked into the room where we were greeted by Becky (one of the cancer support nurses). She gave Sam a big hug and asked how she’d been keeping. She pointed out that it was natural for her to be checking for anything and everything after what she’d been through. Becky asked Sam to take her top off and lay on the bed and then she left the room. Around 2 minutes later the door opened and in walked Becky, along with the consultant.

This is how the conversation went. (See if you can spot my contribution).

“Good afternoon Mrs Lester, how are you?”

“I’m fine thank you”

“And what have you found that is concerning you?”

“Well, I’ve found 3 lumps on this side and one on this side”

“Whaaaaaaaaat???!!!”

The consultant started to examine each lump (starting on the mastectomy side). These were the 3 lumps that Sam said she’d noticed.

“Ok, I don’t think these are anything but scar tissue that you’re feeling, but I will scan them just to be sure”

She then moved over to the other side. Sam found the spot where she was sure the lump was and guided the consultant to that area.

“I can feel a slight lump there but it’s quite deep. We’ll scan that one as well but I’m not sure if that’ll show up on the ultra sound.”

As the consultant scanned the 3 lumps, she was pretty certain they were just fatty tissue caused by the scarring, however, she was right about the lump on the other side not showing up on the scan.

“I’m going to bring your mammogram forward from July so we can get a better look at what’s going on but I’m not overly concerned. I don’t think it’s anything to worry about. You should get the appointment through within the next couple of weeks”

So, once again the waiting game was back. Oh, how I’d missed it.