THE BUBBLE

Chemo Bubble. That’s what I’m calling it because that’s where we’ve been for the last 4/5 months. We haven’t really had to think about anything else (the future, etc) as everything has been planned out for us. I mean, we knew what the various stages were, but they were always in the distance and the 18 or so weeks of chemo seemed like a such long time. We’ve sort of got used to our routine of the 3 week loop (although I’ve been the spectator, so it’s easy for me to say that) but now that routine has come to an end and the bubble has popped. This (horrible) ride is on the move again so that means there’s also a whole lot of new challenges, nerves and worries coming our way. Once again we have to program ourselves not to think too far ahead of each step otherwise we’ll drive ourselves crazy. You have to just keep repeating “One step at a time. One step at a time” to snap yourself out of it but sometimes it’s not easy.

The aches in Sam’s joints are in her ankles at the moment and she says that she can feel her bones pulsating through her legs (which is nice). One thing that’s been worrying me is that Sam’s had a dull pain at the base of her back for just over a week. Now, this is where your mind starts going nuts (and if my mind is going nuts, I can’t imagine what hers is doing).

“Where has that ache come from?”
“Why is it aching?”
“What’s causing that……?”

I can see her face change when she stands up to walk anywhere. I’ve done my best not to Google anything, but this morning I caved and decided to consult the online minefield that is Internet self diagnosis. Turns out that back pain is one of the main side effects of docetaxel. It’s put my mind at rest quite a bit knowing that it’s a recognised side effect and that it just comes with the territory. I still think we need to mention it to the doctors though.

We still haven’t had a time through for the MRI on Monday, or a date for the ultra sound scan (to check the state of play with the lymph nodes) yet, but I’m sure they’ll come through in the next day or so. The lymph nodes are the talking point between us at the moment because we’re not exactly sure what’s going to happen with them. When Sam had the ultra sound scan (before the biopsy and diagnosis) they came out clear, but when they did the Sentinel Node Biopsy it came back with a trace of cancer in one of the two that they had removed. At the time our consultant didn’t seem too alarmed about it because she said that usually, if the cancer had spread to the lymph nodes, then both Sentinel nodes would have cancer in them, but in this case there was only a tiny trace in one of them. We asked her what this would mean in terms of treatment and she said that there would be a full auxiliary clearance of all the lymph nodes (just to be safe) when they do the surgery. However, when we switched to Dr Smooth he told us there’s a chance that they would be over treating Sam and indicated that they wouldn’t touch them at all. So, as of now we’re in an unknown place as far as the nodes are concerned. It’s not an ideal situation but we should have a better idea of what’s going to happen next week. Sam isn’t sure if she’s going to trust the ultra sound scan at all. She says that even if it shows the lymph nodes are clear, it doesn’t necessarily mean that’s the case because the original scan showed that they were ok when clearly they weren’t. She said that she just wants the surgeon to take them all out, but we don’t know what they’ll advise next week because we never actually found out how much cancer was in the node. Hopefully it was only miniscule and they’ll say that there’s nothing to worry about, but like I said before, your mind can go crazy if you let it.